Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
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Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”