@Moldy_Jellybean: My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
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@unravelingfire: Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years. Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
@weinerdog4life: No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat! *throws cat at Kinko's employee
@MourningGlory_: Whenever someone tells me they get a "high" from running, all I'm thinking is, "You've obviously never been high before."