My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
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*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
A flock of dads is called a grill.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack