@Moldy_Jellybean: My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@StinkyGr33n: I'm still angry about those Oreo Thins. I'm here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they're all "we went the other way with it."
@simoncholland: [Mother's Day text to my wife] Don't let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
@Fred_Delicious: *Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven* "YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON'T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES"
@Manali_Shetye5: Mom: can i borrow your laptop? Me: *deletes history* Me: *logs out of twitter* Me: *closes chrome* Me: *opens internet explorer* Me: sure