@Moldy_Jellybean: My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
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@XplodingUnicorn: [hardware store] Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff Wife: Fine Clerk: Can I help you? Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
@WonderMonkey78: Atheists don't believe in God or the "i before e except after c" rule of spelling.
@tastefactory: *bees surround guy* AHHH GET THEM AWAY "Don't make any sudden movements" *suddenly the Macarena comes on* Oh no...