@Moldy_Jellybean: My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
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@TitansHomer: My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone. Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren't poor. #iPhone
@d_duhwit: Scientist: Your bear/owl hybrid has escaped. Me: Dont worry. I put a gps collar on it Scientest: So u can.. Me: Track my bowl movements, yes
@VerifiedBIB: Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
@iamspacegirl: when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn't see and he kept walking for a little bit