My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
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The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice