My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
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Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?