@Vodkantots: My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
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@michaelianblack: Common courtesy: don't bring McDonalds French fries on the plane unless you bring enough for everybody.
@bourgeoisalien: I'm so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
@Token_Geezer: When I'm in a room full of toddlers, I can't help but scan it for potential serial killers