My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!