My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
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Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*