Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
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Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.