My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
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TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Me if I was a dog
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?