My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
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2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.