My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
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me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.