Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
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Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.