my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
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“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Thank you corporation very cool
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?