My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang