@Amburglar_: My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
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@LOVELADONNIS: Woman on the plane just asked her crying son "are you gonna be a gangsta or a crybaby" I'm like damn are these the only options?
@ElleOhHell: Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that's why we never do that.
@Samiam556: They won't give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don't make phones that survive being thrown against walls? It's nonsense...
@MsBross: Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children. Adults tend to get offended.