@Amburglar_: My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
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@Amrrwise: Dear spouse: When I said I needed more physical contact, I was not aiming for you to high five me whenever I walk by...
@RefractReality: I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.
@Nahdude83: *DJ scratches a sick mix* [crowd goes wild] *DJ scratches a puppy's ear* [crowd "awws"] *DJ scratches Lotto ticket* [crowd "oohs"] *wins $1*
@internetluke: [mom ridiculing me in front of new GF] "Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he'd get a new family"