My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
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girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
asked my bf how work was today
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Discuss
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe