@lmegordon: My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I'm trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
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@0point5twins: If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it's because of her haircut.
@batkaren: HER: I love Deadpool ME: I love Dead Pool HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too? ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims' bodies* Hmm?
@respected_loner: whats that detective, the serial killer is in the mall? i'll hack into their security cameras real fast [types "job openings" into google]