@lmegordon: My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I'm trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
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@HansGrubertron: [During sex] ME: Am I making you wet? HER: Yes ME: Sorry I'll tone down the crying
@lolajxx: Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
@kwirkyKerri: Looking to marry a pharmacist. Looks and personality optional. Just don't lose your job.
@NoTheOtherJohn: [Lies on resume about having gone to preschool] Boss: You're hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture. Me: *eyes widen* what