My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
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The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.