My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
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Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit