My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
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My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Try and stop me.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha