My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
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Good advice.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …