Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
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I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.