Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
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God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.