@djr_102: My sister just had a baby and she seems to have forgotten all about my problems.
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@hellohappy_time: 3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together
@Anon_o_Mom: My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can't stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
@daemonic3: [road trip] ME: I'm hungry, let's stop and eat FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place ME: You idiot, we don't have that kind of time
@evildadatron: Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit