My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
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A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Me, in DM rooms…