It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
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Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me