Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
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I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Good morning y’all ☀️
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Muppet Screams
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I told my vodka about you.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.