Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….