@KarenKilgariff: My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed "I hate you!" and she gently replied "I know. It doesn't matter."
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@someonesmomma: Oh no, it's raining! What do I do? What's a green light? What's a stop sign? What's a blinker? Where's the brake pedal? ~people
@kumailn: "Well we've been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever." - cops in GTA 5
@Amburglar_: According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
@Vodkantots: Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma'am? Me: No, I'm just dizzy b/c I'm having a heavy flow day. It's really clotty and... Cop: You're free to go.