My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Cool shirt 🙂
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
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Expectations vs. Reality
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
selena gomez
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Just as the prophecy foretold
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”