My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Tastes like chicken.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭