My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
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*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.