My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
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I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying