him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
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the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.