Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
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Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.