@Chumpstring: My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that's the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.
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@Abusitron: *runs in out of breath* Friend: what's going on? Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me Friend: Ok *waits* *bear runs in, also out of breath*
@krisv_723: Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah's Witnesses doors. "I'd like to talk to you about modern science "
@LaziestCanine: [1st date] Maybe next time i could meet your dog [2nd date] Your dog is so cool [3rd date] Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you