First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
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A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?