@Chumpstring: My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that's the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.
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@killazilla: HR- do you know why we called you down here today? Me- your broomstick is broke and you need a ride? HR... Me- a house landed on your sister
@Sassafrantz: [public restroom] Me: We'll have to go some place else, it says "unavailable" Mom: Even the toilet found someone before you
@lafpgh: He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then...he insulted my tweets.