Time for evil
You Might Also Like
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
You deplete me
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Ummm
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos