You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
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{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
scrabbled eggs
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.