My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
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If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*