Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
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I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Everything reminds me of my ex
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
having children is a pyramid scheme.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.