The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?