@just1fool: My six replaced the toilet paper roll all on her own and now I'm wondering who her real dad is.
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@pleatedjeans: [cruising down highway in friend's car with windows down] me: [opens bag of glitter]
@JonasPolsky: I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio -- so I committed suicide twice.
@decentbirthday: Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
@BackrowSeats: This beautiful woman is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's just falling asleep.