Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name