My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
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Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
it must be school picture day
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄