*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
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Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.