My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
You Might Also Like
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
what?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
This forever.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.