Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
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Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
this independent good boy don’t need no human
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.