My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
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I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.