@jlock17: My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we've lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
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@chelliet22: Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor's yard, and omg, that's Mrs. Hood's body he's putting into their fire pit!
@WilliamAder: Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
@DrDogMD: DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale PATIENT: Ok DR DOG: I'll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
@Merman_Melville: Apple watch, loudly: "It is time for you to poop" Me: "A-as I was saying, our investors h-" Watch, louder: "It is your optimal poop time"