My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
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Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
More like Kate Missington.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.