A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
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I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
i wish we could shoplift online
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
“Huge”.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.