Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You Might Also Like
inventing words: clothing
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
That earthquake could have been an email.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.