Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
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I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.