Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
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Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
britain’s three elite institutions
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
dads on road-trips be like
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave