My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
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Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
I have obtained a hat
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits