If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
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I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.