My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
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Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Put the is in disheveled
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
this is the greatest thing ever
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
馃
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 馃槈
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That鈥檚 not your line, Todd.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn鈥檛 affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct